Gooorne

We here at the shafters would like to wish all the best to the greatest HR advisor that our once proud company has ever seen.

The "King of Bling", "KOB", "Jolly Jumper", "Jolly Jumbuck", "the bloke I wouldn't piss on if he was one fire", otherwise known as Gary, has left the building. 

Gary, our long time fan, we hope you had the time of your life.

Relax Staffing Crisis Over

Cameron Creedy - The ORRRRSTRALIAN

39 August 2008

The flying public should now have every confidence that the Orrrrstralian aviation environment will run efficiently from early tomorrow. True to his word the CEO of Airshambles (Grog Rustler) announced today that the alleged ATC staffing crisis had been officially resolved.

"Yes we have had 25 closures / disruptions after August 31, hence the move to extend August just once; because I'd previously committed to no crisis after August."

"Look we had our troubles, we were left in a horrible position by the previous management." Mr Rustler said, "I came to this business, and like any new CEO, had to make my mark, so I reduced the decentralisation of the core activities, this made us much more efficient."  

"The most difficult task we had was convincing the modern world to amend their calendars in a one off adjustment, we were pleasantly surprised with the support we got from the Ministry of funny walks, but now we can officially welcome September with gusto."

Rustler said, "Some people said I just sacked people and made the others we kept work harder, it's not the way it happened, I gave people generous resignation and retirement benefits and diluted those often duplicated duties amongst the remaining workforce."

"Sure it would appear that it was a dud decision, and that's who I'm blaming next." Mr Rustler said. "Hindsight is always wonderful in hindsight, we didn't know that our staff were telling us the truth when they said it was a stupid decision and wouldn't work."

To appease the workers, in 2006-7 Airshambles hired almost 20% more staff than they had previously enabled to explore other options, but these were mostly in clerical roles, which is now running more efficiently than ever.

"We had to take this business in a new direction, we have, now it's completely on course." Mr Rustler said, "Look you have to understand that the future of the business is looking very bright, some may say the only way is up, I don't feel that way, if we play our cards right during contract negotiations we can get much lower than this."

Meanwhile Mr Rickturd Dooright, Airshambles PR chief stated, "Those saying this company is a bad place to work need to realise that it's a big bad world out there, what skills can our employees sell on the open market, they are trapped and we know it and they need to know it too."

"Our staff just complain, but they don't go anywhere, this tells us that deep down, we have them by the balls, or they would have left long ago.  Sure some have jumped off the lifeboat, but look where they are headed, to high cost of living environments, they'll need to double their pay to survive."

"Our intention is to pay market rates, and we own this market so we determine the rate." said Mr Dooright.

Meanwhile the staffing unions that represent the workers, Filtered Air and CUPS, said that the management have got it wrong.

Mr Minsick, a Vice President at Filtered Air, said that "Airshambles was flogging themselves, these Johnny come lately management types aren't realistic, it starts at the top and works it's way down like a very vicious cancer, each stupid idea must be trumped by a stupider idea."

"What we don't see is the Board even appearing to care, at least they could pretend to care" said Mr Minsick, "we expect the controllers to turn on each other, or us their union, before they stand up to the hollow men from the Bullshit Castle."

"Rumours of people leaving in droves are highly over exaggerated." Mr Rustler said today.  "I have fully briefed the minister Mr Lemoneasy, I have his full backing, he understands it's not my fault."

When questioned about 15 trainees employed earlier this month, 4 months prior to their training commecning Mr Rustler simply stated, "I reject the allegations that we are hiding or wasting anything, we had no plans to train everyone at once, we planned to employ 80 trainees this year, we are planning on doing that, we are right on course. At no time did we state we would graduate 80 trainees out of the college this year, hell we didn't even say we'd train 80 people, we are just taking 80 trainees."

"We plan to take 100 trainees next year" Mr Rustler said, "We don't think that anyone expects that it means 100 graduates, or even 100 controllers in training, it means 100 trainees , training or not, and nothing more".

PRESS RELEASE

As it appears to have slipped the Airservices Australia management team’s observation, or quite possibly it was noticed but remains deliberately unreported, Certified Shafting would like to make the following major announcement.

May 2008 was the single busiest month in Australia’s air traffic control history*.

The 303,112 movements nationwide smashed the previous high of 294,712 set more than seven years ago in March 2001. This figure is an extraordinary affirmation of the professionalism and dedication of the nation’s air traffic controllers, who have achieved this amazing feat under the cloud of constant and oppressive managerial attacks, critical short staffing and the lowest levels of morale in the company’s history.

Our sincerest congratulations to the devoted men and women who dedicate their lives to keeping Australia’s airways safe.

*source: http://www.airservicesaustralia.com/projectsservices/reports/maa.asp?id=2008